Internet Dating Part II: The Descent

I don’t normally consider myself a prude, but every time I open an email with an erection as an attachment I let out a little involuntary gasp. From that it should be obvious that I am no longer on RSVP searching for a soul mate. If it isn’t, I want to let you know that there are no visible penises on that particular site (although interestingly there are quite a few cocks) and that may be one of the reasons things seemed so dull and serious over there.

After my failure to attract the crème de la crème of single men who struggle to meet women offline (seriously, how good could they be anyway?) I lowered my standards, opened up my options and got down and dirty with a different kind of website as recommended by my male friend. The one I settled on advertises itself as ‘the world's largest sex & swinger personals community’ and my aim here is not so much to find a soul mate as a buddy. The special kind of buddy you call when you realise you’ve watched all the TV episodes on your hard drive and need another kind. Of hard drive.

On this website, you can send personalised emails right away and for free, so after a week I’ve had more than twice the amount of interest I had on RSVP. Sure, most of the attention I could’ve done without. I didn’t really need an invitation to watch some guy’s live masturbation show, but it’s nice to be asked. And, you know, it’s flattering that a man who can’t get any from his wife has seen my profile and thinks that I’m just the kind of girl he’d like to have on the side.

So far I haven’t paid any money to upgrade my membership which means I don’t have access to the more explicit pictures and videos on people's profiles. This limitation actually motivates me to continue to NOT invest in the site. If I’m feeling brave or curious, I can still see thumbnails of photos or videos that people have uploaded in their member activity column and at times that’s more than enough.

One guy who contacted me sounded like a really intelligent and interesting arty type. He looked cute too so I checked out his profile. In his activities column under 'New Pictures Added', there was a photo of a girl peeing into his mouth. At least I’m fairly certain that was what was happening, I couldn’t enlarge the thumbnail to confirm. I’ve heard of water sports, I know that’s not uncommon, but still. IN. HIS. MOUTH. Cheers to him for being comfortable enough with what he enjoys that he’s happy to post it up along with a headshot, a shot of his penis in some kind of a metal torture accessory and a detailed description of his personality. Normally I prefer a little mystery, but I feel like I dodged a bullet there.

I have now, almost unconsciously, developed a list of deal breakers. These help me narrow the field and weed out the needy and the greedy and the more obvious crazies. Of course they probably aren’t actually mentally unsound, just, like people who watch Two and a Half Men, not my type.

1. Cock shots: 

Call me a traditionalist, but I want to talk to you face-to-face before I see your erection. 
I don’t care if it comes to almost level with your belly button, I don’t care if it looks like premium German sausage, if there’s nothing else going for you, it’s certainly not going motivate me to get in touch. I’m also not interested in seeing photos of your penis with someone else’s vagina. I’m sure it works for some of the ladies, but all I can wonder is who was holding the camera and whether, if our bits ended up in a similar position, I would have to keep an eye out for a flash.

2. I can’t see your face: 

What are you hiding? Who are you hiding from? Sometimes there’s a good explanation; I wouldn’t want to have to worry that that misstitties101 who I’ve been sharing my whipping fantasies with for over a week is actually a smartarse from the year seven history class either. Most likely though, I’ll assume you don’t have the kind of face that looks good on webcam. That is, as my housemate would say, it resembles a smashed crab. Perhaps that’s not the case, but there are so many people online, I’m probably not going to endeavour to find out for sure.

3. An obvious inability to grasp basic spelling and grammar: 

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having certain standards for the people you intend to sleep with. For me, being able to correspond in complete sentences is as necessary as having good personal hygiene. Being a ‘layed back’ [sic] guy is no excuse for not knowing how to spell. And if you can’t spell it, then I am definitely not going to do it with you. Especially when it only has three letters. Yeah, that’s right, you and I will not be having ‘six’ any time soon.

4. Desperation: 
Don’t tell me you have to meet me NOW. I’d like to say it’s flattering, but I doubt I’m the only person you’ve emailed that message to this evening. And if you think I’m actually going to change out of my pyjamas and leave the house on a Monday night just as Man Vs. Wild is about to start to meet a total stranger, well I admire your optimism, but you’re also clearly delusional. 

At least with Bear Grylls, I know what to expect. He will without a doubt put something unconventional in his mouth, there will probably be water sports – rafting or urinating, perhaps even drinking his own urine while rafting and I can respond to his endeavours with outright horror without worrying about hurting his feelings.

In spite of my list, I’ve managed to find half a dozen or so contenders who have not yet offended my sensibilities. There's been some emailing back and forth with a couple of them, but I believe you can't really tell what someone is like until you meet them face to face. And after that? Well, maybe then I'll be ready to see an erection.