Tell me the truth, what was your reaction to the spate of celebrity break-ups last December? When perfect couples Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johanssen, Megan Gale and either Hamish or Andy, Matt Newton and Rachel Taylor (wait, maybe not that one) parted ways?
Was it:
a) That’s so sad, they’re going to have the worst Christmas ever!
b) Finally, now maybe I’m in with a shot.
c) I don’t care.
d) Who are these people?
If you answered a) I’m now talking to you. Why is it that imploding relationships are always a bad thing (though clearly not in Matt and Rachel’s case)? Because I’m starting to feel that we should be looking to those supreme, and also possibly delusional, optimists who answered b) for some guidance. As much as endings can be incredibly miserable, you could see it this way; those two newly single people are actually getting a chance at an exciting beginning, an awakening of self, a chance to find someone new to connect with or, potentially, many new people depending on how bruised their newly single self-esteem is.
And it’s not only the formerly plural people (those no longer of the ‘we’) who benefit. This is also a chance for those around them, perhaps a work colleague, maybe a long time acquaintance, possibly that barista who would always artfully pour the milk into a heart in your latte and just make a splodge in your boyfriend’s, to have a crack at a new liaison.
Which brings me, with a hop, skip and a slightly tangental jump, to that beacon of modern romance, Facebook. In recent weeks there have been a number of articles about a new application called ‘Waiting Room’ which allows you to announce that you’re there, on the sidelines, waiting to be subbed in as soon as the game starts to look a little shaky. Apparently once the object of your obsession’s status turns from in a relationship to single he or she can view their waiting room and see who’s been biding their time on sweat inducing vinyl seats, avoiding the tub of child-germ-ridden Duplo and flicking through a ragged issue of Men’s Health from 2007 because it was that, the community newspaper or a magazine filled with banal stories of overcoming tear-jerking adversities.
For the record, I tried to find the app to give it a whirl (I’ve said before, I’m an optimist) but it seems to have been banished from the internet; much like its predecessor 'The Break Up Notifier' (fairly self-explanatory) before it. Apparently there are more romantics online than I expected.
I’ll level with you, as far as disturbing things the internet has brought us go, I have no problem with the ‘Waiting Room’ app. In fact, I challenge any frequent Facebooker to tell me that they were honestly surprised by its conception. In a realm that encourages unabashed self-promotion and the conveyance of EVERY detail of day-to-day existence, why shouldn’t users be forthcoming in discussing some of the strongest ah… urges that they as humans have?
If I can be tagged in photos of a two person lump in a hostel bunk bed, update my status to reveal my morning coffee was kinda weak and log into Four Square so that my friends can know, without a doubt, that I am in fact sitting with half of them in my kitchen drinking beer, then why shouldn’t I also make public the fact that if Shane and Bec happen to part ways, I’m happy to help Shane out with a very warm and soft shoulder to cry on?
And if revealing that is enough to break up a relationship, how sturdy was it to begin with?
You can bet though, that if this hypothetical became, ah thetical? unhypothetical? a reality, not many people would 'like' my relationship update. I'd probably be accused of stealing Shane, the way Angelina was accused of pilfering Brad, like a school kid nicking a Freddo from the checkout at Woolies. (If you’re again thinking ‘who are these people or ‘I don’t care’ my apologies, that will be my last celebrity reference this post). Because even though they weren’t really suited to each other he was tagged and bagged as hers in an ‘I was there before you and I should be staying’ British Empire kind of way. Never mind the fact that this imaginary Shane, like most men, is a sentient person himself.
Realistically, I probably wouldn’t actually use the app. I’m more of an anguished silent type, I like to keep my inner torment to myself and a few unfortunate friends. I do, however, resent the throwing up of arms and wailing and angry blogging that this app is a crime against the sacred principles of love. Surely ‘The Bachelor’ and Michael Buble have far more to answer for? In a Gizmodo piece about 'Waiting Room’, after showing a considerable amount of disdain for technological advances in staking, the writer concluded by stating:
An alluring sense of mystery is love's killer app.
Really? How much mystery? That may be the case as far as personal histories of STIs and unfortunate incidents involving childhood pets go, but mysterious secret admirers to the point of ‘I like watching you when you don’t know I’m watching you’ are not terribly alluring. Besides, if you don’t know you have a stalker, I mean admirer, then how could that possibly be sexy? I believe the most effective way of letting the person you desire know you desire them has got to be TELLING THEM. A Facebook app is, admittedly, not the most mature way of doing it, but it’s a hell of a lot better than staring for hours on end at their profile picture willing them to ‘friend’ you. And what better time to do it than when you're both suddenly single?
I know breakups are not all puppies and cupcakes, particularly for those directly involved, but it makes sense to acknowledge that they do have a positive side. Some people stay with their primary school library buddy forever; they’ll marry the first person who bought them Warhead lollies and only held their hand if none of their friends were around. Most people don’t. Think of all the happy couples you know and then think of all the burnt and twisted, anguished and broken relationships littering the paths they took to get to each other, that you, perhaps, took to get to your present partner and appreciate them for that. It’s not something we like to dwell on and it probably won’t ever get it’s own day of celebration, but the sunny side of break ups is worth acknowledging. Particularly because, in a way, it gives hope to those of us who are there, sitting on uncomfortable furniture and staring at the screen, waiting for a change of status.
