We Need to Talk

Dear Adult Dating Website,

According to my profile we’ve been seeing each other for just over a month. I know it’s not that long, but I think maybe now is the right time to tell you how I really feel. About you. About us. I want to talk about what we’re doing  and where this… this thing we have is going.

To be completely honest, so far, you haven’t helped me get laid. I’ve been out six times for various beverages with various men (and one woman) and I did not want to jump any of their bones. This might be more to do with the fact that I’m extremely fussy than with the quality of individual men (and women) you’ve put forward, but I can’t say for sure. I’m not blaming you, this is just the reality of our situation.

It’s true you’ve taught me a lot about who I am. Much to my surprise I seem to be an optimist and an incredibly predictable one at that. Each time it’s the same; I’ll canvass potential suitors, exchange emails, feel positive about our future together (the next few hours at least) and each time I’ve walked away disheartened. Don’t take this the wrong way, they haven’t been bad, mostly, just... Different. Not what I imagined. I didn’t, for example, expect my 25-year-old suitor to have braces. And each time, at the end of our date, they become just one more person I am not going to have sex with.

This is beginning to worry me because concurrently, the list of people I want to sleep with is shrinking at such a rapid rate I’m afraid that one day soon it will consist entirely of fictional characters from HBO and UK TV series. They’re really well drawn characters with complex story arcs and very realistic personal development, but still, it's probably not that healthy. 

It's true some of these things are my issues and I shouldn't heap them on you, especially when I know better than to get my hopes up. It's just that I always want to believe in what you're offering me. So often I think I should just walk away from all this but the thing is, as much as you bring me down, you also lift me right back up.

After a painfully average date, when I’m thinking I’ll never meet anyone I’ll truly want to connect with (read that as you will), I'll turn to you and find a new message from a hot Frenchman and immediately be filled with renewed anticipation. And there really is no reason to believe he’ll turn out to be any better than the others, but maybe what you do is enough. You give me reasons (in the form of hot men) to hope.

Even though you constantly disappoint me, I do enjoy being with you. When we’re together I feel like a different person. The kind of person who gets emails with homemade pornography as attachments. I become this girl who can go on Windows Messenger to talk about her sexual desires with a complete stranger, at least up until the point tells her he’s getting an erection. I feel like I’m growing as a person, group sex is something I’ve started thinking about lately and role-playing and light bondage and mostly that’s because of you.

I love the way you always know how to make me laugh, so often you do it without even trying. Like that message I got last week from Root12345:

Hi. I am looking for my fiancé of the future on the internet.

If you are the one, could you send me email?

I am serious. Don't kid me.

That really cracked me up.

And mostly you make me feel really good about myself. It might be 10pm on a Friday night and I might be sitting around in my underwear, sweating in the infernal summer heat, feeling sorry for myself because I’m alone in my bedroom on a weekend night, sweating for no good reason. 

Then someone, somewhere out there will send me a message saying I’m beautiful or I have a great smile or I look like a lot of fun and offer masturbate for me on webcam and I'll feel so much better. It’s nice to get a genuine compliment now and then. 

Speaking of which, I really loved this one, from a fifty-year-old, with the subject line: Would you enjoy a sex party orgy?

you look like a woman that is sensual and erotic .. and love sex beyond the "missionary" position?  ... be my guest for a long weekend and see what we can work out ..besides I am an exPenthouse photographer and you have a great body to be a pet ..!

It’s like you’re always keeping me on my toes. Remember when I ‘friended’ one of my dates on Facebook before meeting him and discovered we had a mutual acquaintance. That he'd been to primary school with my male housemate. That was certainly surprising. You see I never feel complacent around you and it’s exciting. I don’t know whether you’re going send me a really sweet poem:

 I'm not here 4 a teaz, 

My needs are 24/7.

Near shire station, with a 7-11.

Close to beaches, almost heaven. 

You for real or all talk? 

Overcome, deep boring, aftershock.

Side-winder, motor hammer, classic rock.

Pillion or doggie, ride a cock-horse.

Discreet, respectful. Party original.

Poet, lyricist, script-writer, storyteller for kids.

I not far from anywhere, so drop in, cum along.

Sing in harmony, a joint song. Duet, Corvette. Jet set.

Or someone who looks nothing like their profile picture. Like last week when I agreed to meet up with a really young looking 37 year old and when I turned up to the café only recognised him because I was late and he was the only person sitting on his own.

I didn't see that coming. It took me some time to pay attention to what he was saying because I kept trying to remember exactly what his profile picture had looked like and then trying to hold that image in my mind and superimpose it over the face in front of me. When I actually started listening though, I found that what he was saying was kind of interesting. Then I started wondering if I might enjoy doing some of those things we’d discussed in our instant messaging session (the thought of which had brought on his erection). OK, so maybe you've introduced me to one person who I might sleep with, but I'm not promising anything yet.

When I started writing this, I was thinking maybe it was all going too fast, maybe I needed time to work out what it was that I wanted from you. But reading back over the things we’ve done, the time we've spent together has made me realise that I want to keep trying with you. There are still so many things we haven’t done yet and even though I know it won't be easy I want to keep seeing you. For now. Until I actually get laid. 

Pending that: